Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Be the person you wanna find
I heard Lyfe Jennings new single "Statistics" earlier today and the man is speaking TRUTH in this song. Check out the video below.
Every female should have standards that she holds herself to. This reminds me of the Malcolm X quote "If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything".
Females need to respect themselves before they can demand respect from men. You can't ask for something that you're not willing to do yourself.
It's like the same old story....
I hope females listen to Lyfe Jennings because we have to do better
Time Heals All Wounds...
It's been a LONG minute since I have blog and I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms. I'm addicted to blogging. If it's me doing the blogging or reading other blogs. But luckily its summertime and that means I have more free time to do what I love.
Now the only problem with me is I have trouble finding topics to write about. Yeah, you would think that the life of a 23 year old female would have interesting, excellent, fun incidents. Negative!!!
I promised not to bored you...so stay tune to future post.
Now the only problem with me is I have trouble finding topics to write about. Yeah, you would think that the life of a 23 year old female would have interesting, excellent, fun incidents. Negative!!!
I promised not to bored you...so stay tune to future post.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Something is Killing Me...
I love supporting the African American community regardless if its literature, film, restaurants, or anything. I just want to help better my people. Tonight I was at Hastings I came across this film title “Something is Killing Tate”. The film is an African American Independent film that has won recognition at several film festivals. FYI: When you rent movies at Hastings they don’t give you the original case so I don’t know much information on the film.
I don’t want to ruin the film for anyone who plans on watching anytime soon but a snippet of the film:
This black man fails at his attempt of suicide and the film goes through these moments in his past that lead up to the reason for his attempt. Finally at the end the film the childhood event is revealed. His friend tells him that there is a reason that he attempted failed. He finds joy again in his life. This pain that he has been carrying around all his life is lifted. The last slide in the film is this quote -
This film is dedicated to the many children who lost their innocence far too soon. May the strength in your spirit continue to shine.
After finishing the movie and reading this short quote, tears flowed down my face. Not a tear but TEARS. I can’t believe I’m about to share this with a world of people that I don’t even know but it’s time for me to release this pain I been carrying around.
This quote touches my heart because I feel as if my innocence was stolen from me. From that very moment I was no longer a free spirited child but a young girl who would always been burden by her past.
When I was younger, probably around 7 or 8, I was sexual molested by a friend of the family. I can’t remember his name, what he looked like, or anything. The things I do remember is he used to let me drive his car. He would take me to the park, let me sit in his lap and steer the car. One day he starts grinding against my bottom while we’re driving. It wasn’t until he took me home that he said that it was our secret. At that time I didn’t know what was going on or the fact that what he did was wrong. I remember this happening several times. There was this one time my mom dropped my sister and me off at his apartment (can’t remember if it was the weekend, during the day, or summer break). All three of us climbed in his bed that day and watch T.V. At some point my sister went into the other room to sleep. That’s the day he took things to a new level by having me get down to my undies. He never violated my “womanhood” but he always grind against me. I have blocked that out of my mind for so long… “Something is Killing Tate” release all those memories I tried to forget about.
Then when I was fifteen and this old man at church used to say sly comments to me. He used to say shit like “If I was your age” or “You may be 15 but you surely do have woman curves”. He used to compliment me on my dress or how pretty I was. I used to smile and keep it walking. Then one day he had to take me home from church (don’t know where my mom or stepfather were) but I remember the car ride. He placed his hand on my knee and told me if I ever had any questions about anything that I could ask him. If I wanted to know about boys and sex that he could teach me some things. Again, I just smiled and turned my head. He didn’t stop from there. One day he came to drop something off for my mom while she was away from the house. He noticed that I was home alone…skipping the unnecessary parts. That was the night I lost my virginity. I didn’t tell anyone but a couple of days later out of the blue my mom asked me if I was still a virgin. I said no but when she asked who the guy was all I could do was lie and named some guy I went to school went. I didn’t want to get in trouble. After that I hated going to church, I hated having to see his face, and I hated the fact that I couldn’t/didn’t say anything to anyone.
Let’s forward to college…
There is another incident with a guy friend. He had been drinking and we were in his dorm room alone. One thing led to another… there was some kissing but by the time I realized my pants were off and he was reaching for a condom I didn’t want to engage in this sexual activity. I said the “command words” such as “stop”, “no”, and “get off me”. I remember that night… when I walking back to my dorm it was a good inch of snow on the ground. All I wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. I don’t know what overcame me but by the time I reached my dorm I was in tears. Instead of heading to my room I stopped at my best friend’s room. She questioned on what happen and if I was alright. Through the tears all I could say was “I think something bad just happened”.
That’s the night I got my strength back. That’s the night I overcame the pain and hurt. That’s the night I stop being the victim and stood as the survivor. My friend encouraged me to report what happened. Even though now I wish I would have just buried that pain with the other incidents. It was the right thing to do. I did it for all the girls without a voice, for all the girls that couldn’t find the courage, and for all the girls that lost their innocence too soon. I did what I did because of that quote – “This film is dedicated to the many children who lost their innocence far too soon. May the strength in your spirit continue to shine.”
It’s been four years since that last incident and I’m a better person. I had to share my story to let go of the pain. I have to realize that I survived and I’m no longer the victim. I forgive all those that took advantage of me. I forgive myself for not having the strength for standing up for myself then.
I dedicated this blog entry to the little girls, the young females, and the college women that lost a part of themselves when someone stole something so precious from them.
Until next time….
This black man fails at his attempt of suicide and the film goes through these moments in his past that lead up to the reason for his attempt. Finally at the end the film the childhood event is revealed. His friend tells him that there is a reason that he attempted failed. He finds joy again in his life. This pain that he has been carrying around all his life is lifted. The last slide in the film is this quote -
This film is dedicated to the many children who lost their innocence far too soon. May the strength in your spirit continue to shine.
After finishing the movie and reading this short quote, tears flowed down my face. Not a tear but TEARS. I can’t believe I’m about to share this with a world of people that I don’t even know but it’s time for me to release this pain I been carrying around.
This quote touches my heart because I feel as if my innocence was stolen from me. From that very moment I was no longer a free spirited child but a young girl who would always been burden by her past.
When I was younger, probably around 7 or 8, I was sexual molested by a friend of the family. I can’t remember his name, what he looked like, or anything. The things I do remember is he used to let me drive his car. He would take me to the park, let me sit in his lap and steer the car. One day he starts grinding against my bottom while we’re driving. It wasn’t until he took me home that he said that it was our secret. At that time I didn’t know what was going on or the fact that what he did was wrong. I remember this happening several times. There was this one time my mom dropped my sister and me off at his apartment (can’t remember if it was the weekend, during the day, or summer break). All three of us climbed in his bed that day and watch T.V. At some point my sister went into the other room to sleep. That’s the day he took things to a new level by having me get down to my undies. He never violated my “womanhood” but he always grind against me. I have blocked that out of my mind for so long… “Something is Killing Tate” release all those memories I tried to forget about.
Then when I was fifteen and this old man at church used to say sly comments to me. He used to say shit like “If I was your age” or “You may be 15 but you surely do have woman curves”. He used to compliment me on my dress or how pretty I was. I used to smile and keep it walking. Then one day he had to take me home from church (don’t know where my mom or stepfather were) but I remember the car ride. He placed his hand on my knee and told me if I ever had any questions about anything that I could ask him. If I wanted to know about boys and sex that he could teach me some things. Again, I just smiled and turned my head. He didn’t stop from there. One day he came to drop something off for my mom while she was away from the house. He noticed that I was home alone…skipping the unnecessary parts. That was the night I lost my virginity. I didn’t tell anyone but a couple of days later out of the blue my mom asked me if I was still a virgin. I said no but when she asked who the guy was all I could do was lie and named some guy I went to school went. I didn’t want to get in trouble. After that I hated going to church, I hated having to see his face, and I hated the fact that I couldn’t/didn’t say anything to anyone.
Let’s forward to college…
There is another incident with a guy friend. He had been drinking and we were in his dorm room alone. One thing led to another… there was some kissing but by the time I realized my pants were off and he was reaching for a condom I didn’t want to engage in this sexual activity. I said the “command words” such as “stop”, “no”, and “get off me”. I remember that night… when I walking back to my dorm it was a good inch of snow on the ground. All I wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. I don’t know what overcame me but by the time I reached my dorm I was in tears. Instead of heading to my room I stopped at my best friend’s room. She questioned on what happen and if I was alright. Through the tears all I could say was “I think something bad just happened”.
That’s the night I got my strength back. That’s the night I overcame the pain and hurt. That’s the night I stop being the victim and stood as the survivor. My friend encouraged me to report what happened. Even though now I wish I would have just buried that pain with the other incidents. It was the right thing to do. I did it for all the girls without a voice, for all the girls that couldn’t find the courage, and for all the girls that lost their innocence too soon. I did what I did because of that quote – “This film is dedicated to the many children who lost their innocence far too soon. May the strength in your spirit continue to shine.”
It’s been four years since that last incident and I’m a better person. I had to share my story to let go of the pain. I have to realize that I survived and I’m no longer the victim. I forgive all those that took advantage of me. I forgive myself for not having the strength for standing up for myself then.
I dedicated this blog entry to the little girls, the young females, and the college women that lost a part of themselves when someone stole something so precious from them.
Until next time….
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Brand New... Who???
I haven’t written about this person since the beginning of this blog. I think I refer to him as “SexyLips” so we’re going to stick with that name.
We had this arrangement, “meetings” is what we called them lol. This happened all of 2009… fell off a little during the summer because of not being in school but a whole year of unattached sex. It’s a beautiful thing…
Some females don’t how to fuck buddies. We get emotional attached to the sex and then the person. Thinking that if we give the BEST SEX HE HAS EVER HAD… then he would commit. [[I only say “we” because I’m a female too… but I never been that type of female]] Bitches get over yourself!!!!
Back to what I was talking about…
So like my first post of the new year I said I didn’t make any new years resolution… but I don’t want to continue to fuck SexyLips [[at least not today or this week]]. See me when I’m drunk and horny then things might be different.
Right now I’m not looking for Mr. Right Now (more like Mr. Put It Down…if you know what I mean) He was annoying the other night… kept texting about a meeting. When I turned it down this fool had the nerve to say I’m acting brand new. The only reason it made me upset is because I told him before we left for break that this will be our last meeting [[said it twice but the last time we made sure to go out with a bang]]
I’m honestly about to make a trip to Hustler and purchase a couple of items to help me through those hard nights….I have no problem taking care of business when necessary. He put it down occasionally but didn’t satisfy ALL my needs in the bedroom… You HAVE to love the taste of womanhood lol R.Kelly has the PERFECT song on his new album Untitled called “Go Low”…exactly what I need in my life
Let’s see how long I can avoid a late night meeting with SexyLips
Until then…
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For the first time in MONTHS I went to the gym. Honestly I HATE working out… the pain and definitely the sweating.
Sidebar: As a black woman, it’s hard to work out and not sweat out my perm. This is the only time I wish I could be a white girl. They can work out, go swimming, and whatever else and don’t have to worry about how their hair will turn out. All they have to do is wash and go. Bitch I wish I could do that!!!! It’s bad enough I already need a relaxer so I guess I will be rockin some type of a hat tomorrow.
Working out is not a habit of mines. I’m not lazy. I’m not fat. I could lose a couple of pounds. I just wish I could find a solution with my hair. That’s basically the only thing that is stopping me from attending the gym.
I’m helping my friend prepare for her wedding next year. So if she needs a work out buddy then I’m there. Knowing myself… I give me a month and I’m going to start giving excuses why I can’t meet her at the gym lol. She’s mixed so she has the wash-and-go hair. She doesn’t understand my dilemma.
If I want to keep my cute little figure then I need to maintain my weight, tone this beautiful body, and eat healthier. Right now I weight 168 [[170 on a good day]] so my goal is 10 pounds by the end of the semester. Let’s pray that I can continue with this workout plan.
We had this arrangement, “meetings” is what we called them lol. This happened all of 2009… fell off a little during the summer because of not being in school but a whole year of unattached sex. It’s a beautiful thing…
Some females don’t how to fuck buddies. We get emotional attached to the sex and then the person. Thinking that if we give the BEST SEX HE HAS EVER HAD… then he would commit. [[I only say “we” because I’m a female too… but I never been that type of female]] Bitches get over yourself!!!!
Back to what I was talking about…
So like my first post of the new year I said I didn’t make any new years resolution… but I don’t want to continue to fuck SexyLips [[at least not today or this week]]. See me when I’m drunk and horny then things might be different.
Right now I’m not looking for Mr. Right Now (more like Mr. Put It Down…if you know what I mean) He was annoying the other night… kept texting about a meeting. When I turned it down this fool had the nerve to say I’m acting brand new. The only reason it made me upset is because I told him before we left for break that this will be our last meeting [[said it twice but the last time we made sure to go out with a bang]]
I’m honestly about to make a trip to Hustler and purchase a couple of items to help me through those hard nights….I have no problem taking care of business when necessary. He put it down occasionally but didn’t satisfy ALL my needs in the bedroom… You HAVE to love the taste of womanhood lol R.Kelly has the PERFECT song on his new album Untitled called “Go Low”…exactly what I need in my life
Let’s see how long I can avoid a late night meeting with SexyLips
Until then…
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the first time in MONTHS I went to the gym. Honestly I HATE working out… the pain and definitely the sweating.
Sidebar: As a black woman, it’s hard to work out and not sweat out my perm. This is the only time I wish I could be a white girl. They can work out, go swimming, and whatever else and don’t have to worry about how their hair will turn out. All they have to do is wash and go. Bitch I wish I could do that!!!! It’s bad enough I already need a relaxer so I guess I will be rockin some type of a hat tomorrow.
Working out is not a habit of mines. I’m not lazy. I’m not fat. I could lose a couple of pounds. I just wish I could find a solution with my hair. That’s basically the only thing that is stopping me from attending the gym.
I’m helping my friend prepare for her wedding next year. So if she needs a work out buddy then I’m there. Knowing myself… I give me a month and I’m going to start giving excuses why I can’t meet her at the gym lol. She’s mixed so she has the wash-and-go hair. She doesn’t understand my dilemma.
If I want to keep my cute little figure then I need to maintain my weight, tone this beautiful body, and eat healthier. Right now I weight 168 [[170 on a good day]] so my goal is 10 pounds by the end of the semester. Let’s pray that I can continue with this workout plan.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Read a book....
Nothing has inspired me to blog today… so this may be just random…
I visited Half Price Books this past week. I was searching for a couple of books for me to read on my free time. My favorite section in any bookstore is African American Literature, regardless if it’s African American Studies or African American fiction. I love to support the black community – also includes film and television.
I purchased The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison and A Quiet Storm by Rachel Howzell Hall. Toni Morrison is on my list of favorite African American authors but this book was suggestion by a friend. I usually like reading books that are current [[at least publish within 4 to 7 years unless it’s a classic that I haven’t read yet]] but I’m going to give The Bluest Eye a chance.
A Quiet Storm by Hall was a page turner. I read this book in one sitting. It was intriguing, captivating, and down right heart touching. Honestly I won’t wait too long to read this book again.
I visited Half Price Books this past week. I was searching for a couple of books for me to read on my free time. My favorite section in any bookstore is African American Literature, regardless if it’s African American Studies or African American fiction. I love to support the black community – also includes film and television.
I purchased The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison and A Quiet Storm by Rachel Howzell Hall. Toni Morrison is on my list of favorite African American authors but this book was suggestion by a friend. I usually like reading books that are current [[at least publish within 4 to 7 years unless it’s a classic that I haven’t read yet]] but I’m going to give The Bluest Eye a chance.
A Quiet Storm by Hall was a page turner. I read this book in one sitting. It was intriguing, captivating, and down right heart touching. Honestly I won’t wait too long to read this book again.
I’m made up entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions
“I’m made up entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”
I had to motivate myself to blog today. It wasn’t a good or bad day. A normal day of like all the others: work, running errands, and my daily nap. [[Sidebar: I haven’t took a nap since I been on winter break]]
I was checking my Facebook and a friend had this as her status “M.H. is made up entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions”. So I dedicate my blog to that quote….
Last week I received an Honestly Box comment [[who stills writes in people’s honestly box… I know—LAME ASS PEOPLE]] that disturb my inner thoughts.
Let me share with you what this anonymous person wrote:
“Sexy. Asshole. ATTITUDE. Jazmine Sullivan. I would’ve dated you but you’re too young in mind.
(1) Usually I thought females got called “Bitch”, “Whore”, or “Slut” but never Asshole. I wonder if I’m the first ; - )
My thought on this: I’m only evil, bitching, or even an ASSHOLE when someone’s piss me off. That’s when Ms. Paula comes out [[Yes I have alter ego when I need to be a bitch towards someone – Paula is my mom and you know the saying “I am my mother’s child lol]] I don’t let people take advantage of me. I’m nice but I can always be strong will when the moment calls for.
(2) I wish people would stop calling me Jazmine Sullivan. Yes, it’s a compliment but you’re not the first person to say that. It’s starting to get on my nerves.
(3) I love myself. Sometimes too much but this person must have a problem with the way I DEAL with MYSELF to mention it in the comment.
I wonder who this anonymous person is…
1. Someone that I’m close to
2. Someone I casually know
3. Someone that doesn’t have interaction with me on a normal basis.
So question Blog World: When a person degrades you as individuals, do you change to be a better person because you don’t want others to view you negatively or do you disregard what they said because you don’t feel like it’s true?
This comment disturbs my thoughts. Do I interact with others with an asshole attitude or did I just have a bad experience with this one person for him to view me in this way?
I can’t let this one comment affect how I feel about myself… If you don’t like me then that’s your problem…
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Back to the quote: “I’m made up entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”
I had to motivate myself to blog today. It wasn’t a good or bad day. A normal day of like all the others: work, running errands, and my daily nap. [[Sidebar: I haven’t took a nap since I been on winter break]]
I was checking my Facebook and a friend had this as her status “M.H. is made up entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions”. So I dedicate my blog to that quote….
Last week I received an Honestly Box comment [[who stills writes in people’s honestly box… I know—LAME ASS PEOPLE]] that disturb my inner thoughts.
Let me share with you what this anonymous person wrote:
“Sexy. Asshole. ATTITUDE. Jazmine Sullivan. I would’ve dated you but you’re too young in mind.
(1) Usually I thought females got called “Bitch”, “Whore”, or “Slut” but never Asshole. I wonder if I’m the first ; - )
My thought on this: I’m only evil, bitching, or even an ASSHOLE when someone’s piss me off. That’s when Ms. Paula comes out [[Yes I have alter ego when I need to be a bitch towards someone – Paula is my mom and you know the saying “I am my mother’s child lol]] I don’t let people take advantage of me. I’m nice but I can always be strong will when the moment calls for.
(2) I wish people would stop calling me Jazmine Sullivan. Yes, it’s a compliment but you’re not the first person to say that. It’s starting to get on my nerves.
(3) I love myself. Sometimes too much but this person must have a problem with the way I DEAL with MYSELF to mention it in the comment.
I wonder who this anonymous person is…
1. Someone that I’m close to
2. Someone I casually know
3. Someone that doesn’t have interaction with me on a normal basis.
So question Blog World: When a person degrades you as individuals, do you change to be a better person because you don’t want others to view you negatively or do you disregard what they said because you don’t feel like it’s true?
This comment disturbs my thoughts. Do I interact with others with an asshole attitude or did I just have a bad experience with this one person for him to view me in this way?
I can’t let this one comment affect how I feel about myself… If you don’t like me then that’s your problem…
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Back to the quote: “I’m made up entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Blessed Beyond Measure
I been living in my apartment since August 17, 2009 [[let me say it has not been easy]] but I don’t have cable or internet so other than movies and music it’s mostly quiet at my place. I found out that I’m most comfortable in a peaceful, serene, and relaxing environment. You can’t even imagine how much I have spent on candles… it calms me and my surroundings.
Today I came home from work, straighten up the little bit of mess from this morning, cooked me some dinner, pour me a glass of wine, and ate my meal in the quiet. My mind wander, my thoughts flow freely, my soul was set free. At this moment I realize that everything will be okay. Regardless of the cruelness of the world my father, Jesus Christ, will always be there to protect me. At this moment I realize that I didn’t need sound, noise, or distractions. There is a reason I’m living on my own, a reason I’m single, and a reason I been through hell and back. That is reason was shown today… because I’m happy, content, at peace, and everything in between.
Later I let my ‘’Praise & Worship’’ playlist run through…
(1)I love my young adult choir from church… Voices of Praiz aka VOP always put in down whenever we had to sing. There is one song that I have that ALWAYS puts me in that place. When I listen to this song I feel blessed, thankful, and grateful for my life. I don’t know who recorded it but it’s called “HOLD ON”.
Some of the lyrics:
“I know trails sometimes weigh you down. Searching for the answers they can not be found. Just know that God is on your side, he’ll be there right on time. Don’t worry everything will be alright. Hold on… everything is going work out for you. Hold on… God is going to show up real soon. Hold on… even when you feel misunderstood. Your situation is working out for your good”
“When the tears keep falling from your eyes and the pain you feel is deep inside. Know that God always has you on his mind. When your back is up against the wall and you feel all hope is gone. Know that God is in control and hold on and don’t let go.”
This song always seems to touch my heart. Whenever I play gospel music I make sure that this song plays. I love it. I feel as if God is personally talking to me. I know that no matter what is going on that everything is goin to be alright. I can’t let go but continue to hold on to my faith in God. MY SITUATION is working out because of him and nobody else. Man… you just don’t understand how much I been through. You don’t know my story, my testimony, my journey but know that I’m not the same person. I have changed. I’m still changing. I will continue to change until the day Jesus feels I have reach my full potential then he might have something better/different in store for me.
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Love.
There is a saying that goes “You never know what love truly feels like until you share it with that special person” or maybe that is just what I think.
I been in love.
I want to feel that love again. Either with him or Mr. Right but with someone that can love me back the way I should be loved.
Until next time....
Today I came home from work, straighten up the little bit of mess from this morning, cooked me some dinner, pour me a glass of wine, and ate my meal in the quiet. My mind wander, my thoughts flow freely, my soul was set free. At this moment I realize that everything will be okay. Regardless of the cruelness of the world my father, Jesus Christ, will always be there to protect me. At this moment I realize that I didn’t need sound, noise, or distractions. There is a reason I’m living on my own, a reason I’m single, and a reason I been through hell and back. That is reason was shown today… because I’m happy, content, at peace, and everything in between.
Later I let my ‘’Praise & Worship’’ playlist run through…
(1)I love my young adult choir from church… Voices of Praiz aka VOP always put in down whenever we had to sing. There is one song that I have that ALWAYS puts me in that place. When I listen to this song I feel blessed, thankful, and grateful for my life. I don’t know who recorded it but it’s called “HOLD ON”.
Some of the lyrics:
“I know trails sometimes weigh you down. Searching for the answers they can not be found. Just know that God is on your side, he’ll be there right on time. Don’t worry everything will be alright. Hold on… everything is going work out for you. Hold on… God is going to show up real soon. Hold on… even when you feel misunderstood. Your situation is working out for your good”
“When the tears keep falling from your eyes and the pain you feel is deep inside. Know that God always has you on his mind. When your back is up against the wall and you feel all hope is gone. Know that God is in control and hold on and don’t let go.”
This song always seems to touch my heart. Whenever I play gospel music I make sure that this song plays. I love it. I feel as if God is personally talking to me. I know that no matter what is going on that everything is goin to be alright. I can’t let go but continue to hold on to my faith in God. MY SITUATION is working out because of him and nobody else. Man… you just don’t understand how much I been through. You don’t know my story, my testimony, my journey but know that I’m not the same person. I have changed. I’m still changing. I will continue to change until the day Jesus feels I have reach my full potential then he might have something better/different in store for me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Love.
There is a saying that goes “You never know what love truly feels like until you share it with that special person” or maybe that is just what I think.
I been in love.
I want to feel that love again. Either with him or Mr. Right but with someone that can love me back the way I should be loved.
Until next time....
Monday, January 4, 2010
New Year... New Bullshit...
It’s finally the New Year. I honestly think everyone was waiting for this moment. The moment to declare a change in our lives for the better. For me 2009 was not horrible but it was truly a stepping stone, a lesson learned, shit basically growing pains.
I’m not making any New Year’s Resolutions. I think it’s pointless. If I want to change then I will. I don’t need a new year to declare that I’m going to change. We all know that people who have New Year’s Resolutions only stick to it for about two months and its back to the old ways.
I will continue new habits that I have already set in place before the new year. (1) Reading my bible daily – maybe even keeping a journal of what I have read so that I better understand the word (2) Believing in myself – if I don’t love/believe in myself then no one else will (3) Understanding how blessed I am and not taking that for granted.
So much as happen in the last year that I cannot even started to make a list or explain how I have learned from that experience.
I do want to take a moment and speak on something.
This simple word: SINGLE
My favorite topic lol but seriously I’m single and I have no problem with that. I can’t change it at this moment so I’m going to embrace it. I feel like God is moving things in my life. I‘m not the same person I was yesterday, last week, or last year. So maybe its not time for me to settle down and be serious with that significant other. Now, don’t get me wrong the company will be welcome. I’m stepping out on faith and understanding that when the TIME is RIGHT then GOD will PLACE that SPECIAL someone in MY life. UNTIL then I won’t complain. I’m SINGLE and ready to MINGLE [[Sorry for the caps on certain words but I wanted them to stand out]]
So my goal for this year… to dedicate this blog to my single life. I will document any “INTERESTING” events/moments/conversations. My goal is to show the world that a 20s something, African American, college educated, independent, single, well rounded women can have a healthy single life in 2010. I feel by doing this I will be able to keep track on how I’m growing as a women.
I promise to blog anything and everything… this will truly be my personal journey.
*Disclosure: Names will be change for the sake of other’s reputation/personal life [[just in case they read the blog]]
I’m excited….hope you ready for the ride of your life…
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A person can’t regret something that once made them happy. The weeks that I spent with *Calvin* were fun, interesting, and exciting. Those moments we shared were also confusing, nerve wrecking, and excruciating. I’m glad that I decided to embark on that journey again. I always told myself that if we were meant to be then we would. God gave us a second chance to find love with one another but it didn’t work so I can’t focus on it anymore.
He is my first love but not my true love.
This year we will not be doing the Calvin & Quita dance… not this year or any other years to come. I won’t let him use me to scapegoat to his relationship. We can’t be friends, we can’t be friends, and we can’t be anything but cordial to each other. No communication… WHATSOEVER.
FYI: He had left some things at my apartment the last time he visit [[toothbrush, toothpaste, his frat dog chain, glasses, and basketball shorts. I texted him on NYE and told him I wanted to give him his stuff and if he didn’t texted back by the time I left town then I will throw it away. I really don’t want to throw away his fraternity dog chain but everything else will get trash.
I think he used me… not [[just]] for sex but something to do. It’s not like I haven’t done that before… my mistake lead me to a one year causal relationship with *Lamar*. That’s a whole different story. With *Calvin* it was always that physical, sexual, erotic chemistry. Even when I didn’t want to have sex [[mentally]] but body convince my conscience other wise.
I hope this is the only time I have to mention *Calvin* in my blog. I promise to myself not to contact him. I can’t love someone else if he still has my heart. This reminds me of a song by Keyshia Cole “Got to Get My Heart Back” [[its on her Just Like You album]]
To the blog world… why is it that it is always that one person you can’t say “no” to? Why is that I feel more vulnerable with him totally clothed then I do with someone else naked?
When I’m with him I think of years of marriage like my grandparents, kids, the yellow house with the white pricked fence, and the family dog,
If someone/anyone can answer that question then you solve the mystery on love.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m not a big rap fan… I mostly listen to R & B or anything that’s on the radio but for some reason I download Young Cash Money album. I have already listened to this a couple of times while getting ready in the morning.
I just wanted to see if it was about anything…
Honestly, I love Drake so I wanted to hear more of him
Well it’s time for bed… another day at my job.
Until next time….
I’m not making any New Year’s Resolutions. I think it’s pointless. If I want to change then I will. I don’t need a new year to declare that I’m going to change. We all know that people who have New Year’s Resolutions only stick to it for about two months and its back to the old ways.
I will continue new habits that I have already set in place before the new year. (1) Reading my bible daily – maybe even keeping a journal of what I have read so that I better understand the word (2) Believing in myself – if I don’t love/believe in myself then no one else will (3) Understanding how blessed I am and not taking that for granted.
So much as happen in the last year that I cannot even started to make a list or explain how I have learned from that experience.
I do want to take a moment and speak on something.
This simple word: SINGLE
My favorite topic lol but seriously I’m single and I have no problem with that. I can’t change it at this moment so I’m going to embrace it. I feel like God is moving things in my life. I‘m not the same person I was yesterday, last week, or last year. So maybe its not time for me to settle down and be serious with that significant other. Now, don’t get me wrong the company will be welcome. I’m stepping out on faith and understanding that when the TIME is RIGHT then GOD will PLACE that SPECIAL someone in MY life. UNTIL then I won’t complain. I’m SINGLE and ready to MINGLE [[Sorry for the caps on certain words but I wanted them to stand out]]
So my goal for this year… to dedicate this blog to my single life. I will document any “INTERESTING” events/moments/conversations. My goal is to show the world that a 20s something, African American, college educated, independent, single, well rounded women can have a healthy single life in 2010. I feel by doing this I will be able to keep track on how I’m growing as a women.
I promise to blog anything and everything… this will truly be my personal journey.
*Disclosure: Names will be change for the sake of other’s reputation/personal life [[just in case they read the blog]]
I’m excited….hope you ready for the ride of your life…
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A person can’t regret something that once made them happy. The weeks that I spent with *Calvin* were fun, interesting, and exciting. Those moments we shared were also confusing, nerve wrecking, and excruciating. I’m glad that I decided to embark on that journey again. I always told myself that if we were meant to be then we would. God gave us a second chance to find love with one another but it didn’t work so I can’t focus on it anymore.
He is my first love but not my true love.
This year we will not be doing the Calvin & Quita dance… not this year or any other years to come. I won’t let him use me to scapegoat to his relationship. We can’t be friends, we can’t be friends, and we can’t be anything but cordial to each other. No communication… WHATSOEVER.
FYI: He had left some things at my apartment the last time he visit [[toothbrush, toothpaste, his frat dog chain, glasses, and basketball shorts. I texted him on NYE and told him I wanted to give him his stuff and if he didn’t texted back by the time I left town then I will throw it away. I really don’t want to throw away his fraternity dog chain but everything else will get trash.
I think he used me… not [[just]] for sex but something to do. It’s not like I haven’t done that before… my mistake lead me to a one year causal relationship with *Lamar*. That’s a whole different story. With *Calvin* it was always that physical, sexual, erotic chemistry. Even when I didn’t want to have sex [[mentally]] but body convince my conscience other wise.
I hope this is the only time I have to mention *Calvin* in my blog. I promise to myself not to contact him. I can’t love someone else if he still has my heart. This reminds me of a song by Keyshia Cole “Got to Get My Heart Back” [[its on her Just Like You album]]
To the blog world… why is it that it is always that one person you can’t say “no” to? Why is that I feel more vulnerable with him totally clothed then I do with someone else naked?
When I’m with him I think of years of marriage like my grandparents, kids, the yellow house with the white pricked fence, and the family dog,
If someone/anyone can answer that question then you solve the mystery on love.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m not a big rap fan… I mostly listen to R & B or anything that’s on the radio but for some reason I download Young Cash Money album. I have already listened to this a couple of times while getting ready in the morning.
I just wanted to see if it was about anything…
Honestly, I love Drake so I wanted to hear more of him
Well it’s time for bed… another day at my job.
Until next time….
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Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Be the person you wanna find
I heard Lyfe Jennings new single "Statistics" earlier today and the man is speaking TRUTH in this song. Check out the video below.
Every female should have standards that she holds herself to. This reminds me of the Malcolm X quote "If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything".
Females need to respect themselves before they can demand respect from men. You can't ask for something that you're not willing to do yourself.
It's like the same old story....
I hope females listen to Lyfe Jennings because we have to do better
Time Heals All Wounds...
It's been a LONG minute since I have blog and I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms. I'm addicted to blogging. If it's me doing the blogging or reading other blogs. But luckily its summertime and that means I have more free time to do what I love.
Now the only problem with me is I have trouble finding topics to write about. Yeah, you would think that the life of a 23 year old female would have interesting, excellent, fun incidents. Negative!!!
I promised not to bored you...so stay tune to future post.
Now the only problem with me is I have trouble finding topics to write about. Yeah, you would think that the life of a 23 year old female would have interesting, excellent, fun incidents. Negative!!!
I promised not to bored you...so stay tune to future post.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Something is Killing Me...
I love supporting the African American community regardless if its literature, film, restaurants, or anything. I just want to help better my people. Tonight I was at Hastings I came across this film title “Something is Killing Tate”. The film is an African American Independent film that has won recognition at several film festivals. FYI: When you rent movies at Hastings they don’t give you the original case so I don’t know much information on the film.
I don’t want to ruin the film for anyone who plans on watching anytime soon but a snippet of the film:
This black man fails at his attempt of suicide and the film goes through these moments in his past that lead up to the reason for his attempt. Finally at the end the film the childhood event is revealed. His friend tells him that there is a reason that he attempted failed. He finds joy again in his life. This pain that he has been carrying around all his life is lifted. The last slide in the film is this quote -
This film is dedicated to the many children who lost their innocence far too soon. May the strength in your spirit continue to shine.
After finishing the movie and reading this short quote, tears flowed down my face. Not a tear but TEARS. I can’t believe I’m about to share this with a world of people that I don’t even know but it’s time for me to release this pain I been carrying around.
This quote touches my heart because I feel as if my innocence was stolen from me. From that very moment I was no longer a free spirited child but a young girl who would always been burden by her past.
When I was younger, probably around 7 or 8, I was sexual molested by a friend of the family. I can’t remember his name, what he looked like, or anything. The things I do remember is he used to let me drive his car. He would take me to the park, let me sit in his lap and steer the car. One day he starts grinding against my bottom while we’re driving. It wasn’t until he took me home that he said that it was our secret. At that time I didn’t know what was going on or the fact that what he did was wrong. I remember this happening several times. There was this one time my mom dropped my sister and me off at his apartment (can’t remember if it was the weekend, during the day, or summer break). All three of us climbed in his bed that day and watch T.V. At some point my sister went into the other room to sleep. That’s the day he took things to a new level by having me get down to my undies. He never violated my “womanhood” but he always grind against me. I have blocked that out of my mind for so long… “Something is Killing Tate” release all those memories I tried to forget about.
Then when I was fifteen and this old man at church used to say sly comments to me. He used to say shit like “If I was your age” or “You may be 15 but you surely do have woman curves”. He used to compliment me on my dress or how pretty I was. I used to smile and keep it walking. Then one day he had to take me home from church (don’t know where my mom or stepfather were) but I remember the car ride. He placed his hand on my knee and told me if I ever had any questions about anything that I could ask him. If I wanted to know about boys and sex that he could teach me some things. Again, I just smiled and turned my head. He didn’t stop from there. One day he came to drop something off for my mom while she was away from the house. He noticed that I was home alone…skipping the unnecessary parts. That was the night I lost my virginity. I didn’t tell anyone but a couple of days later out of the blue my mom asked me if I was still a virgin. I said no but when she asked who the guy was all I could do was lie and named some guy I went to school went. I didn’t want to get in trouble. After that I hated going to church, I hated having to see his face, and I hated the fact that I couldn’t/didn’t say anything to anyone.
Let’s forward to college…
There is another incident with a guy friend. He had been drinking and we were in his dorm room alone. One thing led to another… there was some kissing but by the time I realized my pants were off and he was reaching for a condom I didn’t want to engage in this sexual activity. I said the “command words” such as “stop”, “no”, and “get off me”. I remember that night… when I walking back to my dorm it was a good inch of snow on the ground. All I wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. I don’t know what overcame me but by the time I reached my dorm I was in tears. Instead of heading to my room I stopped at my best friend’s room. She questioned on what happen and if I was alright. Through the tears all I could say was “I think something bad just happened”.
That’s the night I got my strength back. That’s the night I overcame the pain and hurt. That’s the night I stop being the victim and stood as the survivor. My friend encouraged me to report what happened. Even though now I wish I would have just buried that pain with the other incidents. It was the right thing to do. I did it for all the girls without a voice, for all the girls that couldn’t find the courage, and for all the girls that lost their innocence too soon. I did what I did because of that quote – “This film is dedicated to the many children who lost their innocence far too soon. May the strength in your spirit continue to shine.”
It’s been four years since that last incident and I’m a better person. I had to share my story to let go of the pain. I have to realize that I survived and I’m no longer the victim. I forgive all those that took advantage of me. I forgive myself for not having the strength for standing up for myself then.
I dedicated this blog entry to the little girls, the young females, and the college women that lost a part of themselves when someone stole something so precious from them.
Until next time….
This black man fails at his attempt of suicide and the film goes through these moments in his past that lead up to the reason for his attempt. Finally at the end the film the childhood event is revealed. His friend tells him that there is a reason that he attempted failed. He finds joy again in his life. This pain that he has been carrying around all his life is lifted. The last slide in the film is this quote -
This film is dedicated to the many children who lost their innocence far too soon. May the strength in your spirit continue to shine.
After finishing the movie and reading this short quote, tears flowed down my face. Not a tear but TEARS. I can’t believe I’m about to share this with a world of people that I don’t even know but it’s time for me to release this pain I been carrying around.
This quote touches my heart because I feel as if my innocence was stolen from me. From that very moment I was no longer a free spirited child but a young girl who would always been burden by her past.
When I was younger, probably around 7 or 8, I was sexual molested by a friend of the family. I can’t remember his name, what he looked like, or anything. The things I do remember is he used to let me drive his car. He would take me to the park, let me sit in his lap and steer the car. One day he starts grinding against my bottom while we’re driving. It wasn’t until he took me home that he said that it was our secret. At that time I didn’t know what was going on or the fact that what he did was wrong. I remember this happening several times. There was this one time my mom dropped my sister and me off at his apartment (can’t remember if it was the weekend, during the day, or summer break). All three of us climbed in his bed that day and watch T.V. At some point my sister went into the other room to sleep. That’s the day he took things to a new level by having me get down to my undies. He never violated my “womanhood” but he always grind against me. I have blocked that out of my mind for so long… “Something is Killing Tate” release all those memories I tried to forget about.
Then when I was fifteen and this old man at church used to say sly comments to me. He used to say shit like “If I was your age” or “You may be 15 but you surely do have woman curves”. He used to compliment me on my dress or how pretty I was. I used to smile and keep it walking. Then one day he had to take me home from church (don’t know where my mom or stepfather were) but I remember the car ride. He placed his hand on my knee and told me if I ever had any questions about anything that I could ask him. If I wanted to know about boys and sex that he could teach me some things. Again, I just smiled and turned my head. He didn’t stop from there. One day he came to drop something off for my mom while she was away from the house. He noticed that I was home alone…skipping the unnecessary parts. That was the night I lost my virginity. I didn’t tell anyone but a couple of days later out of the blue my mom asked me if I was still a virgin. I said no but when she asked who the guy was all I could do was lie and named some guy I went to school went. I didn’t want to get in trouble. After that I hated going to church, I hated having to see his face, and I hated the fact that I couldn’t/didn’t say anything to anyone.
Let’s forward to college…
There is another incident with a guy friend. He had been drinking and we were in his dorm room alone. One thing led to another… there was some kissing but by the time I realized my pants were off and he was reaching for a condom I didn’t want to engage in this sexual activity. I said the “command words” such as “stop”, “no”, and “get off me”. I remember that night… when I walking back to my dorm it was a good inch of snow on the ground. All I wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. I don’t know what overcame me but by the time I reached my dorm I was in tears. Instead of heading to my room I stopped at my best friend’s room. She questioned on what happen and if I was alright. Through the tears all I could say was “I think something bad just happened”.
That’s the night I got my strength back. That’s the night I overcame the pain and hurt. That’s the night I stop being the victim and stood as the survivor. My friend encouraged me to report what happened. Even though now I wish I would have just buried that pain with the other incidents. It was the right thing to do. I did it for all the girls without a voice, for all the girls that couldn’t find the courage, and for all the girls that lost their innocence too soon. I did what I did because of that quote – “This film is dedicated to the many children who lost their innocence far too soon. May the strength in your spirit continue to shine.”
It’s been four years since that last incident and I’m a better person. I had to share my story to let go of the pain. I have to realize that I survived and I’m no longer the victim. I forgive all those that took advantage of me. I forgive myself for not having the strength for standing up for myself then.
I dedicated this blog entry to the little girls, the young females, and the college women that lost a part of themselves when someone stole something so precious from them.
Until next time….
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Brand New... Who???
I haven’t written about this person since the beginning of this blog. I think I refer to him as “SexyLips” so we’re going to stick with that name.
We had this arrangement, “meetings” is what we called them lol. This happened all of 2009… fell off a little during the summer because of not being in school but a whole year of unattached sex. It’s a beautiful thing…
Some females don’t how to fuck buddies. We get emotional attached to the sex and then the person. Thinking that if we give the BEST SEX HE HAS EVER HAD… then he would commit. [[I only say “we” because I’m a female too… but I never been that type of female]] Bitches get over yourself!!!!
Back to what I was talking about…
So like my first post of the new year I said I didn’t make any new years resolution… but I don’t want to continue to fuck SexyLips [[at least not today or this week]]. See me when I’m drunk and horny then things might be different.
Right now I’m not looking for Mr. Right Now (more like Mr. Put It Down…if you know what I mean) He was annoying the other night… kept texting about a meeting. When I turned it down this fool had the nerve to say I’m acting brand new. The only reason it made me upset is because I told him before we left for break that this will be our last meeting [[said it twice but the last time we made sure to go out with a bang]]
I’m honestly about to make a trip to Hustler and purchase a couple of items to help me through those hard nights….I have no problem taking care of business when necessary. He put it down occasionally but didn’t satisfy ALL my needs in the bedroom… You HAVE to love the taste of womanhood lol R.Kelly has the PERFECT song on his new album Untitled called “Go Low”…exactly what I need in my life
Let’s see how long I can avoid a late night meeting with SexyLips
Until then…
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the first time in MONTHS I went to the gym. Honestly I HATE working out… the pain and definitely the sweating.
Sidebar: As a black woman, it’s hard to work out and not sweat out my perm. This is the only time I wish I could be a white girl. They can work out, go swimming, and whatever else and don’t have to worry about how their hair will turn out. All they have to do is wash and go. Bitch I wish I could do that!!!! It’s bad enough I already need a relaxer so I guess I will be rockin some type of a hat tomorrow.
Working out is not a habit of mines. I’m not lazy. I’m not fat. I could lose a couple of pounds. I just wish I could find a solution with my hair. That’s basically the only thing that is stopping me from attending the gym.
I’m helping my friend prepare for her wedding next year. So if she needs a work out buddy then I’m there. Knowing myself… I give me a month and I’m going to start giving excuses why I can’t meet her at the gym lol. She’s mixed so she has the wash-and-go hair. She doesn’t understand my dilemma.
If I want to keep my cute little figure then I need to maintain my weight, tone this beautiful body, and eat healthier. Right now I weight 168 [[170 on a good day]] so my goal is 10 pounds by the end of the semester. Let’s pray that I can continue with this workout plan.
We had this arrangement, “meetings” is what we called them lol. This happened all of 2009… fell off a little during the summer because of not being in school but a whole year of unattached sex. It’s a beautiful thing…
Some females don’t how to fuck buddies. We get emotional attached to the sex and then the person. Thinking that if we give the BEST SEX HE HAS EVER HAD… then he would commit. [[I only say “we” because I’m a female too… but I never been that type of female]] Bitches get over yourself!!!!
Back to what I was talking about…
So like my first post of the new year I said I didn’t make any new years resolution… but I don’t want to continue to fuck SexyLips [[at least not today or this week]]. See me when I’m drunk and horny then things might be different.
Right now I’m not looking for Mr. Right Now (more like Mr. Put It Down…if you know what I mean) He was annoying the other night… kept texting about a meeting. When I turned it down this fool had the nerve to say I’m acting brand new. The only reason it made me upset is because I told him before we left for break that this will be our last meeting [[said it twice but the last time we made sure to go out with a bang]]
I’m honestly about to make a trip to Hustler and purchase a couple of items to help me through those hard nights….I have no problem taking care of business when necessary. He put it down occasionally but didn’t satisfy ALL my needs in the bedroom… You HAVE to love the taste of womanhood lol R.Kelly has the PERFECT song on his new album Untitled called “Go Low”…exactly what I need in my life
Let’s see how long I can avoid a late night meeting with SexyLips
Until then…
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the first time in MONTHS I went to the gym. Honestly I HATE working out… the pain and definitely the sweating.
Sidebar: As a black woman, it’s hard to work out and not sweat out my perm. This is the only time I wish I could be a white girl. They can work out, go swimming, and whatever else and don’t have to worry about how their hair will turn out. All they have to do is wash and go. Bitch I wish I could do that!!!! It’s bad enough I already need a relaxer so I guess I will be rockin some type of a hat tomorrow.
Working out is not a habit of mines. I’m not lazy. I’m not fat. I could lose a couple of pounds. I just wish I could find a solution with my hair. That’s basically the only thing that is stopping me from attending the gym.
I’m helping my friend prepare for her wedding next year. So if she needs a work out buddy then I’m there. Knowing myself… I give me a month and I’m going to start giving excuses why I can’t meet her at the gym lol. She’s mixed so she has the wash-and-go hair. She doesn’t understand my dilemma.
If I want to keep my cute little figure then I need to maintain my weight, tone this beautiful body, and eat healthier. Right now I weight 168 [[170 on a good day]] so my goal is 10 pounds by the end of the semester. Let’s pray that I can continue with this workout plan.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Read a book....
Nothing has inspired me to blog today… so this may be just random…
I visited Half Price Books this past week. I was searching for a couple of books for me to read on my free time. My favorite section in any bookstore is African American Literature, regardless if it’s African American Studies or African American fiction. I love to support the black community – also includes film and television.
I purchased The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison and A Quiet Storm by Rachel Howzell Hall. Toni Morrison is on my list of favorite African American authors but this book was suggestion by a friend. I usually like reading books that are current [[at least publish within 4 to 7 years unless it’s a classic that I haven’t read yet]] but I’m going to give The Bluest Eye a chance.
A Quiet Storm by Hall was a page turner. I read this book in one sitting. It was intriguing, captivating, and down right heart touching. Honestly I won’t wait too long to read this book again.
I visited Half Price Books this past week. I was searching for a couple of books for me to read on my free time. My favorite section in any bookstore is African American Literature, regardless if it’s African American Studies or African American fiction. I love to support the black community – also includes film and television.
I purchased The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison and A Quiet Storm by Rachel Howzell Hall. Toni Morrison is on my list of favorite African American authors but this book was suggestion by a friend. I usually like reading books that are current [[at least publish within 4 to 7 years unless it’s a classic that I haven’t read yet]] but I’m going to give The Bluest Eye a chance.
A Quiet Storm by Hall was a page turner. I read this book in one sitting. It was intriguing, captivating, and down right heart touching. Honestly I won’t wait too long to read this book again.
I’m made up entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions
“I’m made up entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”
I had to motivate myself to blog today. It wasn’t a good or bad day. A normal day of like all the others: work, running errands, and my daily nap. [[Sidebar: I haven’t took a nap since I been on winter break]]
I was checking my Facebook and a friend had this as her status “M.H. is made up entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions”. So I dedicate my blog to that quote….
Last week I received an Honestly Box comment [[who stills writes in people’s honestly box… I know—LAME ASS PEOPLE]] that disturb my inner thoughts.
Let me share with you what this anonymous person wrote:
“Sexy. Asshole. ATTITUDE. Jazmine Sullivan. I would’ve dated you but you’re too young in mind.
(1) Usually I thought females got called “Bitch”, “Whore”, or “Slut” but never Asshole. I wonder if I’m the first ; - )
My thought on this: I’m only evil, bitching, or even an ASSHOLE when someone’s piss me off. That’s when Ms. Paula comes out [[Yes I have alter ego when I need to be a bitch towards someone – Paula is my mom and you know the saying “I am my mother’s child lol]] I don’t let people take advantage of me. I’m nice but I can always be strong will when the moment calls for.
(2) I wish people would stop calling me Jazmine Sullivan. Yes, it’s a compliment but you’re not the first person to say that. It’s starting to get on my nerves.
(3) I love myself. Sometimes too much but this person must have a problem with the way I DEAL with MYSELF to mention it in the comment.
I wonder who this anonymous person is…
1. Someone that I’m close to
2. Someone I casually know
3. Someone that doesn’t have interaction with me on a normal basis.
So question Blog World: When a person degrades you as individuals, do you change to be a better person because you don’t want others to view you negatively or do you disregard what they said because you don’t feel like it’s true?
This comment disturbs my thoughts. Do I interact with others with an asshole attitude or did I just have a bad experience with this one person for him to view me in this way?
I can’t let this one comment affect how I feel about myself… If you don’t like me then that’s your problem…
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back to the quote: “I’m made up entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”
I had to motivate myself to blog today. It wasn’t a good or bad day. A normal day of like all the others: work, running errands, and my daily nap. [[Sidebar: I haven’t took a nap since I been on winter break]]
I was checking my Facebook and a friend had this as her status “M.H. is made up entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions”. So I dedicate my blog to that quote….
Last week I received an Honestly Box comment [[who stills writes in people’s honestly box… I know—LAME ASS PEOPLE]] that disturb my inner thoughts.
Let me share with you what this anonymous person wrote:
“Sexy. Asshole. ATTITUDE. Jazmine Sullivan. I would’ve dated you but you’re too young in mind.
(1) Usually I thought females got called “Bitch”, “Whore”, or “Slut” but never Asshole. I wonder if I’m the first ; - )
My thought on this: I’m only evil, bitching, or even an ASSHOLE when someone’s piss me off. That’s when Ms. Paula comes out [[Yes I have alter ego when I need to be a bitch towards someone – Paula is my mom and you know the saying “I am my mother’s child lol]] I don’t let people take advantage of me. I’m nice but I can always be strong will when the moment calls for.
(2) I wish people would stop calling me Jazmine Sullivan. Yes, it’s a compliment but you’re not the first person to say that. It’s starting to get on my nerves.
(3) I love myself. Sometimes too much but this person must have a problem with the way I DEAL with MYSELF to mention it in the comment.
I wonder who this anonymous person is…
1. Someone that I’m close to
2. Someone I casually know
3. Someone that doesn’t have interaction with me on a normal basis.
So question Blog World: When a person degrades you as individuals, do you change to be a better person because you don’t want others to view you negatively or do you disregard what they said because you don’t feel like it’s true?
This comment disturbs my thoughts. Do I interact with others with an asshole attitude or did I just have a bad experience with this one person for him to view me in this way?
I can’t let this one comment affect how I feel about myself… If you don’t like me then that’s your problem…
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Back to the quote: “I’m made up entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Blessed Beyond Measure
I been living in my apartment since August 17, 2009 [[let me say it has not been easy]] but I don’t have cable or internet so other than movies and music it’s mostly quiet at my place. I found out that I’m most comfortable in a peaceful, serene, and relaxing environment. You can’t even imagine how much I have spent on candles… it calms me and my surroundings.
Today I came home from work, straighten up the little bit of mess from this morning, cooked me some dinner, pour me a glass of wine, and ate my meal in the quiet. My mind wander, my thoughts flow freely, my soul was set free. At this moment I realize that everything will be okay. Regardless of the cruelness of the world my father, Jesus Christ, will always be there to protect me. At this moment I realize that I didn’t need sound, noise, or distractions. There is a reason I’m living on my own, a reason I’m single, and a reason I been through hell and back. That is reason was shown today… because I’m happy, content, at peace, and everything in between.
Later I let my ‘’Praise & Worship’’ playlist run through…
(1)I love my young adult choir from church… Voices of Praiz aka VOP always put in down whenever we had to sing. There is one song that I have that ALWAYS puts me in that place. When I listen to this song I feel blessed, thankful, and grateful for my life. I don’t know who recorded it but it’s called “HOLD ON”.
Some of the lyrics:
“I know trails sometimes weigh you down. Searching for the answers they can not be found. Just know that God is on your side, he’ll be there right on time. Don’t worry everything will be alright. Hold on… everything is going work out for you. Hold on… God is going to show up real soon. Hold on… even when you feel misunderstood. Your situation is working out for your good”
“When the tears keep falling from your eyes and the pain you feel is deep inside. Know that God always has you on his mind. When your back is up against the wall and you feel all hope is gone. Know that God is in control and hold on and don’t let go.”
This song always seems to touch my heart. Whenever I play gospel music I make sure that this song plays. I love it. I feel as if God is personally talking to me. I know that no matter what is going on that everything is goin to be alright. I can’t let go but continue to hold on to my faith in God. MY SITUATION is working out because of him and nobody else. Man… you just don’t understand how much I been through. You don’t know my story, my testimony, my journey but know that I’m not the same person. I have changed. I’m still changing. I will continue to change until the day Jesus feels I have reach my full potential then he might have something better/different in store for me.
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Love.
There is a saying that goes “You never know what love truly feels like until you share it with that special person” or maybe that is just what I think.
I been in love.
I want to feel that love again. Either with him or Mr. Right but with someone that can love me back the way I should be loved.
Until next time....
Today I came home from work, straighten up the little bit of mess from this morning, cooked me some dinner, pour me a glass of wine, and ate my meal in the quiet. My mind wander, my thoughts flow freely, my soul was set free. At this moment I realize that everything will be okay. Regardless of the cruelness of the world my father, Jesus Christ, will always be there to protect me. At this moment I realize that I didn’t need sound, noise, or distractions. There is a reason I’m living on my own, a reason I’m single, and a reason I been through hell and back. That is reason was shown today… because I’m happy, content, at peace, and everything in between.
Later I let my ‘’Praise & Worship’’ playlist run through…
(1)I love my young adult choir from church… Voices of Praiz aka VOP always put in down whenever we had to sing. There is one song that I have that ALWAYS puts me in that place. When I listen to this song I feel blessed, thankful, and grateful for my life. I don’t know who recorded it but it’s called “HOLD ON”.
Some of the lyrics:
“I know trails sometimes weigh you down. Searching for the answers they can not be found. Just know that God is on your side, he’ll be there right on time. Don’t worry everything will be alright. Hold on… everything is going work out for you. Hold on… God is going to show up real soon. Hold on… even when you feel misunderstood. Your situation is working out for your good”
“When the tears keep falling from your eyes and the pain you feel is deep inside. Know that God always has you on his mind. When your back is up against the wall and you feel all hope is gone. Know that God is in control and hold on and don’t let go.”
This song always seems to touch my heart. Whenever I play gospel music I make sure that this song plays. I love it. I feel as if God is personally talking to me. I know that no matter what is going on that everything is goin to be alright. I can’t let go but continue to hold on to my faith in God. MY SITUATION is working out because of him and nobody else. Man… you just don’t understand how much I been through. You don’t know my story, my testimony, my journey but know that I’m not the same person. I have changed. I’m still changing. I will continue to change until the day Jesus feels I have reach my full potential then he might have something better/different in store for me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Love.
There is a saying that goes “You never know what love truly feels like until you share it with that special person” or maybe that is just what I think.
I been in love.
I want to feel that love again. Either with him or Mr. Right but with someone that can love me back the way I should be loved.
Until next time....
Monday, January 4, 2010
New Year... New Bullshit...
It’s finally the New Year. I honestly think everyone was waiting for this moment. The moment to declare a change in our lives for the better. For me 2009 was not horrible but it was truly a stepping stone, a lesson learned, shit basically growing pains.
I’m not making any New Year’s Resolutions. I think it’s pointless. If I want to change then I will. I don’t need a new year to declare that I’m going to change. We all know that people who have New Year’s Resolutions only stick to it for about two months and its back to the old ways.
I will continue new habits that I have already set in place before the new year. (1) Reading my bible daily – maybe even keeping a journal of what I have read so that I better understand the word (2) Believing in myself – if I don’t love/believe in myself then no one else will (3) Understanding how blessed I am and not taking that for granted.
So much as happen in the last year that I cannot even started to make a list or explain how I have learned from that experience.
I do want to take a moment and speak on something.
This simple word: SINGLE
My favorite topic lol but seriously I’m single and I have no problem with that. I can’t change it at this moment so I’m going to embrace it. I feel like God is moving things in my life. I‘m not the same person I was yesterday, last week, or last year. So maybe its not time for me to settle down and be serious with that significant other. Now, don’t get me wrong the company will be welcome. I’m stepping out on faith and understanding that when the TIME is RIGHT then GOD will PLACE that SPECIAL someone in MY life. UNTIL then I won’t complain. I’m SINGLE and ready to MINGLE [[Sorry for the caps on certain words but I wanted them to stand out]]
So my goal for this year… to dedicate this blog to my single life. I will document any “INTERESTING” events/moments/conversations. My goal is to show the world that a 20s something, African American, college educated, independent, single, well rounded women can have a healthy single life in 2010. I feel by doing this I will be able to keep track on how I’m growing as a women.
I promise to blog anything and everything… this will truly be my personal journey.
*Disclosure: Names will be change for the sake of other’s reputation/personal life [[just in case they read the blog]]
I’m excited….hope you ready for the ride of your life…
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A person can’t regret something that once made them happy. The weeks that I spent with *Calvin* were fun, interesting, and exciting. Those moments we shared were also confusing, nerve wrecking, and excruciating. I’m glad that I decided to embark on that journey again. I always told myself that if we were meant to be then we would. God gave us a second chance to find love with one another but it didn’t work so I can’t focus on it anymore.
He is my first love but not my true love.
This year we will not be doing the Calvin & Quita dance… not this year or any other years to come. I won’t let him use me to scapegoat to his relationship. We can’t be friends, we can’t be friends, and we can’t be anything but cordial to each other. No communication… WHATSOEVER.
FYI: He had left some things at my apartment the last time he visit [[toothbrush, toothpaste, his frat dog chain, glasses, and basketball shorts. I texted him on NYE and told him I wanted to give him his stuff and if he didn’t texted back by the time I left town then I will throw it away. I really don’t want to throw away his fraternity dog chain but everything else will get trash.
I think he used me… not [[just]] for sex but something to do. It’s not like I haven’t done that before… my mistake lead me to a one year causal relationship with *Lamar*. That’s a whole different story. With *Calvin* it was always that physical, sexual, erotic chemistry. Even when I didn’t want to have sex [[mentally]] but body convince my conscience other wise.
I hope this is the only time I have to mention *Calvin* in my blog. I promise to myself not to contact him. I can’t love someone else if he still has my heart. This reminds me of a song by Keyshia Cole “Got to Get My Heart Back” [[its on her Just Like You album]]
To the blog world… why is it that it is always that one person you can’t say “no” to? Why is that I feel more vulnerable with him totally clothed then I do with someone else naked?
When I’m with him I think of years of marriage like my grandparents, kids, the yellow house with the white pricked fence, and the family dog,
If someone/anyone can answer that question then you solve the mystery on love.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m not a big rap fan… I mostly listen to R & B or anything that’s on the radio but for some reason I download Young Cash Money album. I have already listened to this a couple of times while getting ready in the morning.
I just wanted to see if it was about anything…
Honestly, I love Drake so I wanted to hear more of him
Well it’s time for bed… another day at my job.
Until next time….
I’m not making any New Year’s Resolutions. I think it’s pointless. If I want to change then I will. I don’t need a new year to declare that I’m going to change. We all know that people who have New Year’s Resolutions only stick to it for about two months and its back to the old ways.
I will continue new habits that I have already set in place before the new year. (1) Reading my bible daily – maybe even keeping a journal of what I have read so that I better understand the word (2) Believing in myself – if I don’t love/believe in myself then no one else will (3) Understanding how blessed I am and not taking that for granted.
So much as happen in the last year that I cannot even started to make a list or explain how I have learned from that experience.
I do want to take a moment and speak on something.
This simple word: SINGLE
My favorite topic lol but seriously I’m single and I have no problem with that. I can’t change it at this moment so I’m going to embrace it. I feel like God is moving things in my life. I‘m not the same person I was yesterday, last week, or last year. So maybe its not time for me to settle down and be serious with that significant other. Now, don’t get me wrong the company will be welcome. I’m stepping out on faith and understanding that when the TIME is RIGHT then GOD will PLACE that SPECIAL someone in MY life. UNTIL then I won’t complain. I’m SINGLE and ready to MINGLE [[Sorry for the caps on certain words but I wanted them to stand out]]
So my goal for this year… to dedicate this blog to my single life. I will document any “INTERESTING” events/moments/conversations. My goal is to show the world that a 20s something, African American, college educated, independent, single, well rounded women can have a healthy single life in 2010. I feel by doing this I will be able to keep track on how I’m growing as a women.
I promise to blog anything and everything… this will truly be my personal journey.
*Disclosure: Names will be change for the sake of other’s reputation/personal life [[just in case they read the blog]]
I’m excited….hope you ready for the ride of your life…
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A person can’t regret something that once made them happy. The weeks that I spent with *Calvin* were fun, interesting, and exciting. Those moments we shared were also confusing, nerve wrecking, and excruciating. I’m glad that I decided to embark on that journey again. I always told myself that if we were meant to be then we would. God gave us a second chance to find love with one another but it didn’t work so I can’t focus on it anymore.
He is my first love but not my true love.
This year we will not be doing the Calvin & Quita dance… not this year or any other years to come. I won’t let him use me to scapegoat to his relationship. We can’t be friends, we can’t be friends, and we can’t be anything but cordial to each other. No communication… WHATSOEVER.
FYI: He had left some things at my apartment the last time he visit [[toothbrush, toothpaste, his frat dog chain, glasses, and basketball shorts. I texted him on NYE and told him I wanted to give him his stuff and if he didn’t texted back by the time I left town then I will throw it away. I really don’t want to throw away his fraternity dog chain but everything else will get trash.
I think he used me… not [[just]] for sex but something to do. It’s not like I haven’t done that before… my mistake lead me to a one year causal relationship with *Lamar*. That’s a whole different story. With *Calvin* it was always that physical, sexual, erotic chemistry. Even when I didn’t want to have sex [[mentally]] but body convince my conscience other wise.
I hope this is the only time I have to mention *Calvin* in my blog. I promise to myself not to contact him. I can’t love someone else if he still has my heart. This reminds me of a song by Keyshia Cole “Got to Get My Heart Back” [[its on her Just Like You album]]
To the blog world… why is it that it is always that one person you can’t say “no” to? Why is that I feel more vulnerable with him totally clothed then I do with someone else naked?
When I’m with him I think of years of marriage like my grandparents, kids, the yellow house with the white pricked fence, and the family dog,
If someone/anyone can answer that question then you solve the mystery on love.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m not a big rap fan… I mostly listen to R & B or anything that’s on the radio but for some reason I download Young Cash Money album. I have already listened to this a couple of times while getting ready in the morning.
I just wanted to see if it was about anything…
Honestly, I love Drake so I wanted to hear more of him
Well it’s time for bed… another day at my job.
Until next time….
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